MOVED.

It was nice here.
But change is inevitable.
Join me if you will.
=D

Salam guys.

I think I need to do something fresh, to motivate myself to BUCK UP!

Yup, life's been bleah, with bumps here and there.

SCHOOL = FUN, ECONS = FUN
yes i have to do a repeat of PHYSICS = FUN (which i did for O's and amazingly got an A1 for PHYSICS! =D) you should have seen my room! PHYSICS = FUN was EVERYWHERE! ok, shoot, i have to start being enthusiastic about school. darn, i CANNOT screw up Common Test!

aiya, tired lah.
Maybe i should move.
To LJ maybe.
FAD THEN I CAN READ YOUR FRIENDS ONLY POSTS!!

ok this is so random. i should be doing schoolwork.
but im watching dikir instead. below is one of my favourites. ok i love anything by Makyong Kedek. =D

You know when you're relying on your visual obsession (of guys you dont know practicing dikir barat) to experience joy, that something is wrong.

Everything is effectively going downhill. Flashbacks evidently sparks once in a while back to those days when my life was, lamely put, a screw-up. I'm starting to lose touch with who I'm supposed to be. Do I need a reason? Or do I need to prove myself? At the rate I'm going, I'm starting to believe that the best answers for these questions are "YES".

I'm jumping from one euphoria to another. Then what? What if everything cease to exist? Will I return to being a soul without spirit, living life just for the sake of living? I swore that I shall never return to those dark days, and try as I might, the depression is starting to set in. Though the tendency to self-hurt is still far from occuring, the soul still yearns for a true measure of being.

I cant think straight anymore. I dont feel close to Him anymore, astaghfirullah. Try as I might, everything is slowly slipping from grasp. All that I've worked hard for, all that I chose to believe, are assumingly becoming fallacies to the reality that I'm being bombarded with. I find the need to prove myself constantly bugging my conscience, say I have one. I cant exist because I MERELY do; I NEED to justify my presence.

JC life has imprinted itself. The urgent need to succeed is so evident because I'm used to it. I NEED to do well, to get the grades. Because I KNOW I can get it. I NEED TO GET IT. Or I'll feel like a useless bitch who cant seem to justify her presence on this lovely Earth, because her fulfilment of her duty as His Servant is also drained. See? That mentality is the one thing that is going to cause my downfall.

WHY?

In response to that mentality, I'm going to work myself to the ground. Depression will start to set it should I be unable to achieve the personal targets that are going to be crazy-high. Ignorance shall be feigned, Happiness shall be a mere act.

How do I know this?

Because this isn't the first time.
I want it to be the last time.

The toll I have to pay for this obscenity is too immense, too painful, up to a point that is simply not worth it.

I work hard to piece things together, just to be left more confused and vulnerable to mistakes.

I tried to think of the question that Saiful posted to me the other day, and I cant seem to put my thoughts together. Half the time I'll be so damn distracted by my obsession, I'd end up feeling many times worst than I first started off. If this continues, I'm going to suffer a breakdown.

My apologies to you, because of ranting all this here. This is the true reflection of myself. I want to be me, but who am I?

I thought I've found my direction, but here I am at crossroads again. I dont want to stray away from Him, so please Allah, guide me back to Your path. Grant me the strength to strive forward, and shine your heedayah on F, so that together we can serve You to the best of our abilities.

Writing is my only remedy. Verbal language is the nature of my game of fallacy.

You are my acquaintance, but are you my friend?

MIQ CHAMPIONS!

Salam guys.

Alhamdulillah. Wali-wali andrew's brought the kunci back! =D

I am so proud of you guys! =D

I'm sorry for not studying so much for this round ok.
And Sufi, i dont need a reason to fall sick ok! I just did. =(

I should be sleeping now, because my flu is still horrible and the migraines are just #$#%&^*& but i'm too excited to sleep! oh gosh! i'm just so happy lah!

and the funny thing was, i knew most of the answers for this round and I KNOW HOW TO ANYAM KETUPAT LAH! hahaha. darn the flu lah! =(

and i just realised farhan rosman is an irritating person to sit beside. hah!

ok i am not making sense.
i shall rest and stone now and come back with the full story, and hopefully, pictures. =D

ps: to saiful, i shall think of your question and post up a special entry for it once i recover and can think sensibly ok. =D

Salam guys.



Yup. =D

Note: THERE'S A CHANGE IN STARTING TIME.
IT'S AT 2PM. NOT 11AM. =DDD


and so i've heard my dear friends are stressed out over miq finals.
relaks ar bebbb.. =D

yeah i can say that, since i'm not in going on stage. heh.
too sick to bother to study anyway.
so FARHAN ROSMAN, i am counting on you to give me the answers for supporter's round ok. =DD

i shall sit down one corner and relax.
yay!

btw, bmtc visit just now rocks. =D
i love the food. and yes, i went for the shooting training. HAHA.
fatt, i can challenge you to be a marksman! wooots. =D

ok i am officially high from flu. =D

Salam guys.

Ultimately, this is what happens when you are down with the $%^&# flu bug, the doctor gave you 2 days mc, you are absolutely bored out of your remaining active brain cells which refuses to do any more schoolwork.. You indulge in the brainless. =D btw fad, i stole this from you! hehe

what time did u get up this morning?
835am didnt have to solat maah. =D

diamonds or pearls?
diamonds definitely.

wat was the last film u saw in the
cinema?
darn. what's the name of the movie again? oh yah, The Messengers. i spent half the time burying my head in his shoulders anyway. yup, im a scaredy cat.

what is your favourite tv show?
CSI, without a doubt. =D

what do you usually have for breakfast?
anything anything anything really.

what is your middle name?
atikah

what food do you dislike?
i love everything halal. =D

what kind of car do you drive?
ask me again in 3 years. =)
i would LOVE a Nissan Murano! in RED!

favourite sandwich?
Yakun's toast! with lots of kaya and butter! yummmmy =D

what characteristic do you despise?
short-temperedness

favourite item of clothing?
dresses! =D

if you could go anywhere in the world
for a vacation where would you go?
Europe. beautiful

what colour is your bathroom?
maroon and white. dont ask.

favourite brand of clothing?
none.

where would you retire to?
mecca/madinah. insyallah.

what was the most recent memorable
birthday celebration?
i dont really celebrate birthdays. yes, pathetic.

favourite sport to watch?
SOCCER!! long live LIVERPOOL!

favourite sayin?
Suka ah!

when is your birthday?
16 November 1990

are you a morning or night person?
NIGHTT!

what is your shoe size?
9/10/11, depending on the shoe's cutting. yes i have BIG feet!

pets?
none. i cant be bothered to care for them.

any new and exciting news to share?
new - yes. exciting - i dont think so. =D

what did you want to become when you
were young?
TEACHER. hahahahaha. oh gosh, i CHANGED my mind TOTALLY since!

how are you today?
sick but alhamdulillah, still breathing.

what is your favourite flower?
DAISIES!! =D

what is a day on the calendar you are
lookin forward to?
start of Ramadhan. =)

what is your full name?
NUR ATIKAH AMALINA BTE MOHD ZAINI BIN SARDEK BIN HAJI HASSAN. =D

what was the last thing you ate?
chicken fried rice from my absolutely favourite malay stall in marsiling. =D

do you wish on stars?
for what? straight to ALLAH. =)

if you were a crayon what color would
you be?
REDDDDDDDD

how is the weather rite now?
cooling. should have played in the rain just now. =P

last person you talked to on the
phone?
F. for my wakeup call. =)

favourite soft drink?
coke

favourite restaurant?
if you'd place me at gunpoint, then i'd choose Hyatt Regency Hotel JB for their High Tea. =D

hair color?
its no longer virgin, but i should say dark brown. =D

sibling?
2 younger and VERY irritating brothers who i love like nuts.

favourite day of the year?
1 Ramadhan

fav childhood toy?
bantal busuk aku yang dah lama dibuang. =)

summer or winter?
summer

hugs or kisses?
hugs

choc or vanilla?
choc

when was the last time you cried?
recently. that's enough. =)

who is your friend you have had the
longest?
shir? it was difficult to maintain friendships back then, in fact it still is. =)

what did you do last night?
SLEEPING MARATHON

favourite smell?
i dont know the name of that men's cologne, but mixed with sweat, YUMMY. =D and no, its not F's cologne

what are you afraid of?
Allah and getting hurt

plain, buttered or salted popcorn?
SWEET. yes, i know its not in the options. =)

how many keys on your key ring?
6. yes, some are just unnecessary metal hanging there.

how many years at your current job?
i dont get paid as a student. =(

favourite day of the week?
my only free day - SATURDAAAAAY

how many towns have you lived in?
1

do you make friends easily?
YOU THINK? hehe.
acquaintances - YES.
Good friends - maybe.
Close friends - no

---------------------------------------------
COPY AND PASTE THIS. DO NOT THINK OF
THE QUESTION. JUST WRITE ANYTHING THAT
COMES TO MIND.

I AM: sick
I WANT: to sleep
I HAVE: a headache now!
I WISH: to get out of the mess i caused
I HATE: being fickle-minded
I FEAR: dying without having a chance to repent
I SEARCH: for love and encouragement
I WONDER: why people are just so inconsiderate and self-absorbed
I REGRET: not saying the truth
I LOVE: my family
I DANCE: alone. in my room. when i'm HIGH.
I CRY: when enough is enough
I WRITE: prose when i'm feeling mushy
I WIN: everyone's heart. =)
I LOSE: myself in darkness
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: love and will
I SHOULD: sleep

----------------------

YES or NO

YOU KEEP A DIARY: is this blog counted?
YOU LIKE TO COOK: YES YES YES!!!
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED
WITH ANYONE: duh!
YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: YES. but i also believe love brings along with it pain. (except of course, love for Allah and His Messenger. =D)

---------------------------------

THE WEIRDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: i need to choose?
THE LOUDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: myself? haha.
THE CUTEST PERSON (s) YOU KNOW: aniq!!! he's a baby btw
THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT
YOU: good question. F, without a doubt.
THE LAST THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: tomorrow i shall not waste more time, insyallah.

----------------------------

DO YOU...?

HAVE A CRUSH: YES
WANT TO GET MARRIED: DEFINITELY!! =D
GET MOTION SICKNESS: yup
HEALTH FREAK: I WISH
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: i guess
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: ABSOLUTELY LOVE!
-------------------------

FAVORITE

NUMBER: 16
COLOUR: RED
DAY: saturday
MONTH: Ramadhan
SONG: Hantaran Puteri Gunung Warisan - Dikir Temasek
FOOD: I have loads. =)
SEASON: Rainy
SPORT: SOCCER and RUGBY. the latter has its own sentimental reasons. =)
DRINKS : tea/mocha/JAVA CHIP!

------------------

PREFERENCES

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Cuddle
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: HOT CHOCOLATE
DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: White
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate
-----------------------------
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...

CRIED? no
HELPED SOMEONE? yup. =)
BOUGHT SOMETHING? fooood
GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? YES
SAID "I LOVE YOU"?: did i?
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: HAHAHAHA. email to cikgu. =D
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? was too tired.
MISSED SOMEONE? maybe. =D
HUGGED SOMEONE? i wish.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Nope, alhamdulillah
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? nooope
-----------------------------

Would you ever:

1. Eat a bug? - NO
2. Join the army? – Maybe
3. Hang glide? – YES
4. Kill someone? - nope. naudzubillah
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? - HAHA. done that. =D
6. Have sex with someone of the same
sex? - EWW no thanks. males only please.
7. Parachute from a plane? - LOVE TO
9. Go out with someone for their
looks? - if i have nothing better to do.
10. For their reputation? - refer to the answer above
11. Become a vegetarian? - NOPE. i love chickens too much. =D
12. Wear plaid with stripes? - EWWW
13. Instant Message a stranger? - HAHAHA. yah
14. Sing Karaoke? - Maybeee
15. Get drunk off your ass? - not anymore.
16. Shoplift? - NOPE
17. Run a red light? - yeah. for the right reasons okay! =)
18. Star in a porn video? - NOPE
19. Dye your hair blue? - NO
20. Be on Survivor? - I have better things to do, thank you very much
21. Wear makeup in public? - yah maybe
24. Make someone cry? - HAHAHAHAH. =)
25. Marry a chick more than 10 year
older than you? - chick? nooooo. MAN- yeah maybe. Love is blind remember.
26. Stay up all night? - done that. =D

Who did you last:

1. Think of: Abang Naz!
2. Miss: Shir
3. Kiss: i shall not answer this question
4. Like: A.H


okaaay, i have completed this thing. HAHAH. susah siottt. hahahaha.. =D
and there are loads of ants on my table. yucks.

Salaam guys.

Alhamdulillah, SAJC MIQ team is in the finals. =D
I nearly died choking on stage but that’s another matter.

Admittedly, my busy schedule has led me to neglect things that used to mean so much to me. There just isn’t time to ponder about anything anymore. Everything is just about do, do, do. I’ve been made to be a machine that’s not supposed to have any feelings. I’m just supposed to do what is expected, what is instructed. It doesn’t matter whether or not I understand or even like what I’m doing. Nobody cares. Everybody is being forced into a mould to fit society. So much for breaking societal norms!

Once again, I am immensely grateful for MiQ. The quest for knowledge is wonderful. I enjoy studying for it. Of course, there are times when I just want to crush the papers, burn the books, off the laptop, and just go to sleep. My sleeping duration has decreased thanks to this cause, but I’m not complaining. Speaking in economic terms, the amount of utility I derive from this competition is humongous! It’s so even though the amount of sacrifices made is also comparable. not to mention the fragility of my relationship! yang gatal nak berboyfriend time skolah kenapa??

Btw, I scalded my left middle finger, which means I typed this whole entry with one hand! Waaaaah… hahahah. =D

**************

4 years back, I would have never imagined I would be having the lifestyle that I practice today. Just a few hours back, I attended the Umrah Preparation Course conducted by TM Fouzy at Darussalam Mosque in Clementi, together with my beloved Shafiqah, who is going off to the holy cities to conduct her umrah in June, insyallah.

Honestly, the main reason I went was for the zikir munajat session. Subhanallah, the first time I went for it, I nearly cried. The ustadz conducting it had such a beautiful voice, singing praises to Allah SWT, but that wasn’t it. It was the du’aa, the praises to Him, the realization that you are but His servant who was placed on earth with a reason. That you are someone so small, who’d conducted so much sins, but repented few. The realization that the world is something so momentary, that there’s something after this life, the Hereafter that many fail to prepare for. It was there when my past came rushing back, so vividly.

Who are we really? What right do we have to judge one another?
When was the last time you actually took the time to sit down before Him, and recite the zikr? When was the last time you actually did something wrong and immediately repent?
I am not here to judge.
Your faith is a matter between you and Allah swt only.
I know how it sucks when someone who have absolutely no knowledge about your life and who you are, randomly makes a comment about you, which of course, aims to make you feel horrible and rotten about yourself. Been there done that

I am here to remind, because, I know how it feels to be astray from Him, far from Him.

I spent much of my secondary school life being a wreck. Most of you know that by now. Those were the days when the whole world seemed to be against me, when life wasn’t worth living anymore, when the supposedly halcyon days were spent throwing my future down the drain.
The scars on my wrist serves to be a reminder of how stupid I was.
The constant blackouts and migraines are the consequences of years of delinquency.
Then, nothing seemed to matter. As long as I had my supply of cigarettes and alcohol, I was good to go. Astaghfirullah. This is not a show of pride, this is to show that no matter how hardcore you were, no matter how far you’ve strayed, there’s always a path back into the light. His love is never ending. It is really up to you to decide on your future path. He shall always be there to forgive you. Never forget that.

If I can change from being a suicidal teenage girl, to embracing Islam as THE faith, then so can you. Insyallah.

God Bless. =)

“Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers and evil-doers) and there is forgiveness from Allaah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment.” (Al-Hadeed 57:20)